November means deer season and cold weather. So how do we stay warm while sitting for countless hours on stand waiting for that 30-point buck?
One option is to constantly Facebook and Twitter on our cell phones until the battery is so hot, we stuff it in our pants in hopes of relief from the chill. But the downside of this can be the deadly electromagnetic thermal radiation wave emissions that will no doubt cook our innards to the consistency of lasagna.
Another option would be to spend three months’ wages on every state-of-the-art battery-powered, silver-lined, waterproof, breathable, moisture-wicking undergarment offered in the hunting catalogs that promise to keep us as toasty as if we were sitting in our den next to the fireplace. Who can afford that?
Or we could dress like we did when we were children heading to school with so many layers we resembled Randy in “A Christmas Story”. Of course, this can be troublesome when Skut Farkus confronts us in the treestand, demanding our milk money and forcing us to stick our tongue to the cold treestand to make it stick.
So what is a hunter to do, short of lighting a bonfire and hoping a blind deer, covered in tasty seasonings, accidentally trips and falls into it? Nothing!
I have learned over the years that it is absolutely impossible to stay warm in a treestand. Believe me, I’ve tried. So what are we to do? Okay, I’ve thought about this long and hard and can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. Why should I leave my warm house and go out in the cold? Why not have the deer come to me?
Opening morning of buck season I’m going to lay down a scent trail of the most irresistible, male-attracting scent of the prettiest doe in the neighborhood, from the woods, across the yard and through my back door. When a weak-kneed love-struck buck comes stumbling into my den, I slam the door shut behind him. Problem solved! Of course, the downside of this is when my wife finds this tasty deer extremely cute and wants to name him Carl and keep him as a pet. I will have to clean up after him. Sweeping up all those little raisin-like pellets of poo from the den. Then there’s the issue of this still lovesick buck making scrapes under the houseplants and rubbing his antlers on the table legs. Not to mention, pets rank much higher in our house than I do. Carl will get first dibs on the best corn, the softest pillow and control of the TV remote.
Now that I think of it, I guess I will have to brave the cold like the rest of you and climb into my treestand opening day. I’ll just have to make sure my cell phone is fully charged and I hide my milk money in my boots.
By Frank Pallo
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